Monday, August 01, 2005

Galactic Reclassifications

Scientists have claimed to discover a 10th planet in our solar system. However, the claim has ignited debate within the astronomical community as to what should or shouldn’t be classified as a planet. In an attempt to offer further proof that the scientific community can’t agree on anything, some scientists have gone on to suggest that Pluto, currently the smallest planet (or ‘mass-challenged’ planet as the PC scientist like to refer to it), is actually not a planet at all but, instead, just a large particle in space.

The recent debate prompted some Republicans to quickly use this as an opportunity to point out that, like this “Pluto thang”, scientist still have yet to agree on whether Global Warming is a real phenomena.

I for one have no problem with reneging Pluto’s status as a planet after 75-plus years of planetdom, in fact, I look forward to living in a cozier, eight-planet solarhood. Furthermore, I find comfort in knowing that the demand for new text books in order to rewrite scientific history will provide a much needed boost to a publishing industry that has suffered greatly due to the rise in digital books, Pod casting and the end of the Harry Potter series.

Furthermore, while we’re in the process of making a few planetary adjustments, I think we should review the status of some other particles hovering in our solar system. For instance, instead of ‘President’, George Bush could be reclassified as a ‘Disturbance in the force’ and Blair as his little “Wookie”. Baseball should no longer be a ‘Sport’ but a ‘Leisure activity’ along with golf, poker, and hiding your grandmother’s dentures. Instead of an ‘Actor’, Tom Cruise could simply be referred to as a ‘Nuisance’ along with Brad, Jennifer, Angelina, Ben, the other Jennifer, Paris, Nicole, Nick, Jen, Madona and the Jacksons. ‘Coldplay’ would become ‘U22’. ‘Canadians’ - ‘Americans with free health care’. ‘Hybred SUV’s’ - ‘Irony on wheels’. ‘Africa’ - ‘The place no one wants to make eye contact with’. ‘Global warming’ - ‘Some other generation’s problem’. ‘Scientology’ could return to being “Science Fiction” along with Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Kabalism. And “Earth”, our beloved home, could be reclassified as a ‘Pimple on the ass of our solar system, which is an in-grown hair in the nose of the galaxy, which is a microscopic particle of a fart floating in the thing we call the universe.”

Once again, I find it useful to explain myself in case my point gets lost in my vain attempt at humor (of course humor is infinitely more important than having a point) nevertheless, the point here is: planet or no planet, we’ve got a lot bigger issues to be debating like, for example, will Brad and Angelina really last?

Comment starter:


Blogger Norrin said...

My internal reference to "Galactic" will always be inexplicitly tied to "BattleStar Galactica" a tv series from the 70's, with Commander Adama (Lorne Green) fleeing the evil Cylon empire. I especially remember the ladies in hooker pants and an episode with a gun slinging Cylon called "Redeye". Perhaps with these references you can make an analogy to your return to the US.

"Fleeing the excess and abuse of body and soul, a rag tag fugitive returns to place called Portland"

2:36 AM  

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